Sageville, NY
April 1

A local man who claims to be blind, faces arraignment later today after his arrest in the Mall of the Universe following a peeping-tom incident. McGooser, 58, was seized by a squad of quick-acting Mall security personnel when the Class D Misdemeanor offense was detected on the shopping center's surveillance cameras.

At a hastily called press conference, the "Perp's" attorney, Rollin Fast, Esq., claimed that his client was the victim of overzealous "Police State tactics". The lawyer, surrounded by microphones thrust in his face from crouching reporters crowding around his wheelchair from all sides, alleged that the misunderstanding arose from the high-tech electronic equipment McGooser had strapped to his forehead.  All during the press conference, Defendant McGooser stood nearby totally neglected by the news media feeding frenzy.  He was overheard commenting to a curious bystander, "For once I am not annoyed by people asking someone else to speak for me, like to  my wife.. 'And, ‘what would your husband like to order?’, instead of just asking me directly!"

Attorney Fast's account began by his description of the forehead device marketed under the brand name, Totalook. The eight-pound electronic gadget zooms in on visual details directed by a microchip programmed to read the wearer's mind.

In this instance, Fast's client was reading the list of several hundred coffee flavors posted outside the Mall's Starbucks.  "For the first time in his life, Mr. McGooser could get the same information other customers receive visually, without taking a big chunk out of some helpful stranger's afternoon", the Attorney asserted. In an ironic twist, Attorney Fast credited another federal grant secured by Rep. Brook, for financing the research which led to the development of the Totalook.

Mall officials mistrusted McGoogan's claim to be blind, Fast stated.  He was not accompanied by a German Shepherd menacing other shoppers, or a long white cane tripping them.  They discounted McGoogan's explanation that he folds up his cane when not moving about, in deference to the many aged and tottering 'mall rats' wandering aimlessly all around.

Before the press conference ended, Fast took one last swipe at the bullying style of local law enforcement. He described how his client was detained at the Police Precinct. "Thrust roughly into a holding cell with two other culprits", he raged.  One of the others identified himself as cognitively impaired, and the other was deaf.  He gestured to McGoogan in American Sign Language, not realizing McGoogan's blindness because authorities had seized his white cane during the routine strip search.  McGoogan later learned from the third cell occupant that the deaf inmate was also arrested at The Mall of the Universe.  He was accused of using his cochlear implants to tune into a nearby woman whispering her favorite numbers ordering a lottery ticket.  Attorney Fast recounted the words shouted at his client as police shoved him into the cell.  "Be grateful for these ACCESSIBLE facilities.  Taxpayers spent a lot of money so you could have an extra-wide cell door, an extra high toilet seat, and really low window".

Fast added philosophically, "How appropriate to have such shining examples of fools today, April the First."

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